Friday, December 28, 2012

I'm going to see my sister today.
She and her husband and beautiful little daughters are picking up my children at their father's and then coming to get me.
They will sweep us away to another world, where there is a whole family.
We will walk around looking at that world as if in a dream, and the kids will love it so much that they will cry once again when they have to leave.


Of course, they cry every time they leave me, as well.
I wish I were not the only source of grief in their innocent little lives.
I didn't want to be separated from them, and certainly none of my actions ever warrented it.
Sometimes life isn't at all fair, but I do believe things happen for some reason. There are lessons to be learned and still so much life to live. It will all make sense and come out right in the end.
With my sister or the arrival of any of my other siblings comes Christmas at last - the kind of Christmas I had as a child where I'm excited and delighted to find that once again they know just exactly what I most wanted because they know, love, and understand me like no one else in the entire world.
I feel whole when I am with them.
We went through a war-torn childhood together, and now we are so close that we all feel somehow incomplete when we are separated.
I had a therapist tell me once that Vietnam Veterans feel the same when they return to every day life without their comrades.
I suppose that's what's made being alone such a long, hard battle for me. I was raised with four siblings who were always there. I always thought I wanted nothing but peace, quiet, and privacy. Yet when I finally had the privacy and dead silence, I had no peace.
I feel it today, though.
Peace in being here in the quiet of my own space.
But also joy at the expectation of part of my family coming.
There will be trees and a present and Santa Claus will truly have come for me.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

I'm Not That Addictive or Petty

Some silly app has just offered via email to let me know whenever someone "unfriends" me on facebook - and who! For a certain fee, of course.
I am vastly amused.
If I have not noticed three people recently unfriending me, why would I care?
The online world is a very strange place at times.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Les Miserables, Then and Now

Well, I suppose I might have known. I've seen this musical in the theaters and heard every movie and cast recording ever made - and then, just to lend respectability to my infatuation with the story, I even read Victor Hugo's volumous tome that started it all. It was like reading Le Morte D'Athur, only more "modern," I suppose. It was a beautiful story which naturally had to be greatly abridged when converted for the stage and set to lyrics. I loved the themes of redemption and of fighting for a cause even when you suspect you cannot win - just because it's the right thing to do. And seeing the movie was strange because after all these years I still know the lines word for word - and still it made me cry. I cried for different reasons, though. I cried because I could relate to the grittiness of the adult character's lives now, whereas before I cried at Eponine's unrequited love for Marius. I'm very good at unrequited love - quite the expert, in fact - to the point that I'm quite casual about it now. I can no longer shed a tear for my heart if it should be broken. I suppose unconsciously I may have been keeping it closed so that it could remain relatively whole for the time being, though there are still some chinks of light shining through the cracks. Gotta keep the lights on, just in case anyone needs to find their way home...
No, this time I cried because of that little girl lost in the woods and the mother who loved her so much that she allowed herself to be shamed and forgotten for the sake of what was best for her child. I cried because, much to my surprise, Anne Hathaway nailed the part of Fauntine so perfectly that I could see and feel the pain and the loss of innocence so sharply that I cried for my own. It doesn't help that young Cossette looked so very much like my own little girl. Fauntine found life not to be what she had expected when she lost Cosette's father and ended up working in that factory with those wretched women who didn't know good when they saw it. They mocked her and caused her to be fired, and she was left wondering what had gone so terribly wrong that she was alone and penniless, unable to help her child when the little girl needed her so much. Bit by bit, she gave everything she had for that child until there was nothing left of her. This is love in its purest form. Watching the grief and pain so raw and ugly in her face - it made her beautiful, but it tore me all up inside as if I were losing everything I had all over again though the music. I cried because still in this day and age a woman can give all she's got and work as hard as she can to overcome the shame and poverty to which she is born and still not be able to get past it. I cried because she sang with a certain heart-wrenching shame that still she dreamed that the man who had ruined her would come again and make things right. "There are dreams that cannot be" indeed, but still we can't help hoping for them.
In the end I love the musical because it shows life in its bitter reality and still the people hope and they sing of a better tomorrow. They piled upon that barricade and waved their flags like Occupy Wallstreet protesters, and failed far more miserably because they tried for so much more. But the entire point of the thing was that people's awareness may have been raised and that the people would one day rise up and live in freedom from tyranny. I don't know about politically, but personally I can continue to strive to do that very thing. One has to keep hope alive, for the sake of the children. Even when so much as sitting down to watch a fictitious musical can make you feel as if you are the child so lost in the woods.
 

Preparations

Today I am preoccupied with putting my life together for the upcoming year.
I want to get involved in the local art movement.
I've volunteered myself to paint murals on the walls of the Early Childhood Development Center that will open in time.
I'd like to check out the local Democrats and see what they're up to.
I want to go back to my Writer's Group in Big Rapids or start a group here.
I'd be happy to re-involve myself in the local Theater Group.
More than anything, I'd like a job outside a factory so that I can get back on the substitute circuit and find myself a permanent teaching job one day. I love teaching so much - it utilizes all of my skills and fulfills my need to share what I have learned with others in hope of passing along the torch.
Oh, and let us not forget the gym. That's my New Year's Resolution. I used to go regularly and felt great while I was doing it - must get back to that. Naturally I love any non-chemical high I can obtain.

I love seeing and meeting new people - gives me all kinds of ideas.
I hope to have money to travel again one day. Anywhere in the United States or around the world. Travel opens your mind and gives you a whole new perspective.
Ah, but just for now I'd like to go to a ball on New Year's Eve - Cinderella-Style. I think a pumpkin would smell funny and be a little sticky to ride in, and glass slippers have got to be a pain, but it would be totally worth it if I could wear the dress and have someone tell me how beautiful I look.
Yes, yes - I must tell that to myself.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Look No Further

Today I am dancing around my house dressed in a flowing white skirt, and enjoying my own company. Carols play softly on the radio now as I write; a gently lit tree within my line of vision, strung with pearls and miscellaneous baubles representing the years of my life and the darling angels who have graced it. I began the day treading lightly upon each emotion, cautiously testing for the accustomed pitfalls and dips of despair, but to my surprise there was only happiness waiting for me. I am happy for no earthly reason.

I find myself thinking of Emily Dickinson and wondering if I am turning into her a little bit, for she was brilliant, reclusive, thought of as eccentric by her community, and had a penchant for wearing white. I'm hardly a recluse, however. I love people and have done theater and taught or painted before audiences and have enjoyed it all immensely. And what is eccentricity anyway? It seems to me that it is marked by being entirely yourself and not allowing the critiques of others to deter you. I admire people like that, though I've wasted much of my life being somewhat of a chamelon for survival purposes. Like Dickinson did, I am learning to love my own company. Certainly I can relate to a writer of long ago who maintained friendships through correspondence. I have an entire network of people whom I encourage and support via facebook or Gmail, and who encourage and support me in return. Writing is a joy; the present I gave myself on this busy week of the dying year. I want to write how I am feeling and the wonders that I have known this season.

It all began weeks ago when I began to experience that weak, empty longing for something unnamed that generally prompts me to wander stores and search for something to buy that will fill the emptiness. Some people with PTSD get suicidal when they have an episode - I have myself, here and there - but more often I find myself blindly wandering the shelves of department stores and bookstores, antique malls and art galleries desperately trying to fill my well with something beautiful that will wipe the ugliness from inside; the emptiness and the fear that comes so tangibly before me that I'm once again a frightened child curled into a ball beneath my blankets with my arms wrapped around my head. I usually manage to talk myself out of actually buying anything when I feel this way; I just flee for the outside world singing about how downtown will help me 'forget all my troubles, forget all my cares...' but always I return home and have to face myself again. Some people with PTSD use drugs or alcohol to hide from the stark reality of their lives -  the fact that you can undergo treatment and take medications but you can never techically recover from it - but I need to hold myself to a higher standard than to numb myself in that way. It's more than a need - it's a conviction. For me, it is better to look myself in the eyes and ask myself what it is that I really am longing for.

There are times when I feel that frightened little girl taking over and I want to push her down and press my hands over her mouth. 'Be quiet!' I hiss inside, as if talking to an annoying younger sibling, 'You'll ruin everything!' She's scared and she's messing up my job by bursting into tears when people are mean to her, or allowing people to trample all over her instead of speaking up for herself. I can't begin to describe how aggravating she is! Of course, trying to silence or ignore her is not what is required - I have to treat her with the kindness and compassion that she is lacking inside. I have to teach her how to love herself for who she is, face the realities of life unafraid and able to express herself. She is not wicked or wrong, just undisciplined. I have to see and appreciate her for the beautiful girl that she is. After all, without her I would always be serious and push myself far too hard. And as the Good Doctor once said, "What is the point of being an adult if you can't be childish sometimes?" The childish side of me loves bright lights and pretty packages and believes wholeheartedly in every idealistic whimsy to cross her mind. The childish side just might render my dreams into reality one day, if only I believe in her a little bit.

My best friend at the moment is a charming, gravelly-voiced Vietnam Veteran who is the only person outside my family who understands what it is to have your past relentlessly, involuntarily dog you all of your life through no fault of your own. My siblings understand the pain even if they don't experience it in the same way, but others tend to think I'm making excuses for myself, or making a mountain out of a molehill. This grizzled vet with twinkling blue eyes listens to me, empathizes, and never tells me that my view of my experience is invalid just because others (himself included) have had it worse. Instead, he notices when I'm having a rough time - recognizes the skin-crawling hyperviligence that causes me to jump when people greet me and always makes a point of giving me a conspiratorial wink or small present to boost my morale. Few understand our friendship - they think dirty old men and illicit affairs. It's hard in these times to see something pure and uncomplicated as understanding the struggle of another human being and offering them support. In this I feel very blessed. He brought Christmas treats to work  and we shared a long, smiling look that expressed our feelings perfectly: Life is hard, but that makes it all the more important to celebrate the people and the memories that are most precious to us.

I determined that this year I would do something for someone else; give back some of this good that I see in the darkness and thereby spread a little more light. First my children and I sat down and made cards for the grandmother of a friend of mine. I only know this dear lady through my friend, but as I understand it, this is probably her last Christmas. I talked to the kids about what a person might like to hear in that case, and we set about making cards. I thought I was quite clever in simply blessing her and her family this holiday season, but my children out-did me when they wrote of how they are thinking of her, and how very much she must know that she is loved after receiving so many cards. Their simple compassion seemed to clear my head and make the point of the season shine like a path before me. We began plotting what else we might do to make the holiday easier for someone else. My son's friend didn't have a Christmas tree. I agonized over the political correctness of bringing them one - What if they were allergic to pine, or Jewish, or simply disliked the mess of a tree in their home? But the little boy really would like one, so I decided to take a risk. I don't have much money right now. I won The Biggest Loser contest at work because I've been living off soup and crackers for three months. I didn't care: Now it was a matter of the moral development of my children that we undertake this act of generosity. We drove to a tree lot and donated canned goods for the soup kitchen in exchange for a tree. The owners, certain we were supplying a need of our own, piled us with ornaments and tied the tree securely to the hood of my old 1996 jalopy with the windows that don't roll down and the wreath of rust crusting the base of the body.

It was no fancy tree, but the family accepted it with gratitude and joy. As it turned out, they hadn't had a tree in years, following a near-fatal accident that had left many of the family members brain damaged and living on oxygen. I was shocked at the small space in which they all lived; touched by their love and capacity to give to one another at a time when they had nothing material to offer. They gave me a little snow globe, and the matriarch of the family cried with happiness that someone had taken the time to think of them. I left their home humbled and subdued, grateful to think how my children are with me today, healthy and smart. I, too, am healthy and have what I need. Suddenly my sense of emptiness and loss was gone; my perspective of having what I need, thank God, and never mind all the things I seek for that I cannot define.

Having found Christmas for myself in this way, I thought I was about as content as anyone could be this season. I had what I needed - and it was something that I could give. Lesson learned. Christmas done.

But it wasn't.

Once nearly twenty years ago, I was kind to someone who wasn't necessarily all that kind toward me. I had this conviction that if I showed compassion no matter what, I could change things. I've found since that this approach sometimes doesn't work if the other person is broken enough, but it worked then. I kept concentrating on the good in that person, and eventually they had a change of heart and we found something like friendship between us. I was telling this story to some students of mine last year when we were reading To Kill a Mockingbird and thinking of how the character Atticus  Finch could find the courage to bow and smile at Mrs. Dubois who said the most ugly things to him, or how he could pity that hateful racist, Bob Ewell. Coincidentally, the very person I was describing to my students contacted me on facebook that week. I had made far more of an impression than I had imagined - and as proof of that, a beautiful paint-splattered Angel appeared at my back door this past Friday with an envelope that enabled me to buy presents for my children without having to worry about paying my rent, too. Maybe George Baily would look at her and say cynically, "You look like the kind of angel I'd get," but I hugged her, and almost as soon as that happened she was gone. I'd think I'd dreamed it if I hadn't seen my children opening the gifts yesterday and literally jumping up and down and rolling on the floor over them. No kindness is ever wasted. No gift is ever given that is not returned to you in some form. I can't wait to hear how my dear Angel is blessed by her kindness. Perhaps like myself she will have simply felt it as she walked away from my door. I certainly hope so.

From then on I have felt peace. Peace despite not having the ideal life where my kids are with me full time, or in this case not with me on Christmas. Peace despite not having much room, not having the ideal job or the ideal social status or the ideal anything, really. Peace. Peace because it's not about fitting a certain standard of living or being or belonging: It's about loving myself and others equally, believing the best of myself and others, and giving every good and perfect gift received from above. And so I rest at home, Christmas carols on the radio, my tree lit just for me, my old heater blazing like a fireplace and my heart blazing right along with it. 

I guess it took me long enough - five years alone before I finally feel satisfied simply to be myself and enjoy the time alone. I married young partly because I didn't want to face myself; didn't know how to be alone and didn't want to teach myself. This morning as I watched my children open gifts at their father's house, my ex-husband told me that his anger and verbal abuse were a figment of my imagination. He's long since written me off as crazy for leaving a prize like him, and just wanted to make clear that he'd had nothing to do with my unhappiness. I could be angry or bitter, but I didn't feel that at all. I just felt glad to be free and able to see the truth for myself despite what he thinks. Safe and secure back in my own home, I dress in white and look myself in the eyes and pronounce, "You have what you are looking for. It's been inside of you all along."
This Christmas, I might just say the same to you.


Friday, December 21, 2012

I Will Not Die an Unlived Life

"I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I will choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.'


~ Dawna Markova


As you can see, I did not write this little poem, though I do try to live it.
My life is a poem, and I express it in breathing and dancing and sharing it with others.

In this picture I'm seven stories below Scotland's Grass Market in a James Bond -Themed pub.

Friday, December 14, 2012

The Woman Hated the End of the Novel

Every day at least one kind person stops by this blog to view what's going on in my life or mind.
Thank you, kind stranger.
I feel as if I am walking through life with you.
We will laugh; we will cry - We will have to have a chat sometime.

I feel subdued tonight.
Nothing I'm reading has turned out right.
I mean, sometimes I want a certain thing to happen by the end of a novel, and then when it doesn't I feel just as disappointed as if it were my own life that had floundered.

Now I've decided that I'm not subdued; I'm angry.

In the Victorian Age, women were considered the weaker sex and any sign of distress, temper, or having an opinion could be attributed to a nervous disorder or mental illness.
Sometimes I don't see where things have changed all that much.
I was never hospitalized for mental illness, but certainly I have suffered injustice at the hands of judgemental people who had no desire to get to the bottom of what was really happening as opposed to what they perceived as happening based on the careless words of others.

Argh.

I should delete this.

Instead I will work on writing a more measured response to the day... tomorrow.
After I've had some sleep.

Bless all the little children tonight.
Champion the causes of idealists and dreamers.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Paradise Lost

My coordinator yelled at me tonight: "You have no common sense!"
My response: "Thank you. I find uncommon sense more valuable."

It's true, I don't have the kind of sense that lends itself well to factory work.
I think in order to be successful I would need to be able to concentrate exclusively on the work at hand.
My mind is accustomed to thinking backward and forward as I do everything, the better to improvise as the moment arises.
Factories do not necessarily appreciate improvisation.

I want to go back to substitute teaching, but I need the one steady job to insure that I can make my rent each month.

Last night on our break the t.v. happened to be turned to Pawn Stars, an episode in which a man brings in a gorgeous volume of Milton's Paradise Lost.

On the t.v., he man behind the counter reads a passage.

The general consensus around the break room:

"What the fuck does that mean?"
"That's one badass-lookin' book!"
"The hell he says?!"
"The pictures are cool!"
"What's the point in having something lying around that doesn't make any sense to normal people?"
"I think I want that on my coffee table."
"Yeah, right - your place is so small you wouldn't have room for anything else if you put that in there!"
"Yeah, well it would look cool. I wouldn't understand the damn thing, but it would  be worth something."
"I think he just said that someone was getting laid or something."

I felt sad. Not only do I understand it; I could explain it line by line as I read it in such a way that even a small child could understand. It comes naturally to me. Everyone at the factory knows I'm a certified English teacher. I turned from the t.v. and translated, "The author's talking about when Adam gets his hot new wife, and Adam's talking about how gorgeous she is."

I scored points for the topic happening to be vaguely about sex, but I'm a fish out of water and I'm not entirely certain how long I can gasp on the sand.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Last night I was working in an isolated corner surrounded by large racks that were caged in by chickenwire for safety.
I overheard a whistling and turned to find a co-worker smiling at me from the other side of the wire.
He commented, "You're like a pretty bird that flew in here by mistake, and  now here they've got you in a cage."
It's surprizing sometimes how grizzled old factory workers can sometimes turn a phrase.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Reading:  A Love Story


I’m trying to remember when I first picked up a book and was able to read the words across the page, because it seems it must have been love at first sight. I never used to believe in such nonsense, even as a child reading Grimm’s Fairy Tales – especially reading those, now that I think of it. (For the most part, they had dire endings that I imagine were precursors of film noir.) Ah, but Reading! Reading has been a lifelong romance. When does life begin? Is it that first spark, that embryo of interest in the written word? Studies show that being read to is the first step toward reading independently – that the more a child is exposed to literature the more likely they are to read themselves. Likewise, if their parents have a mutually respectful, loving relationship, the easier it is for them to take that model into their adulthood.

My mother says she read to me, but I don’t remember it at all. Furthermore, she says that when she was working on her bachelor’s degree in computer programming, she used to sit at the table with me while she was doing her homework and I would sit and color as she studied. Should a test arise, I might be just as likely to hear Biology 101 for a bedtime story as Cinderella. She went into labor with the first of my younger sisters while in class taking a test. Did these efforts on my mother’s behalf foster literacy despite my second-hand memories of them? Certainly they instilled a sense of education as a priority.

The first person I remember reading to me was the librarian at the public library, and then afterward my first grade teacher Mrs. Lynch, whom I adored. She was sweet and kind and never berated me for drawing on the back of my math papers. She had a little friendly ghost puppet who made special appearances in some of the books she read to us, though I don’t recall his name. We read about Ben Franklin and his kite, which may well have been the beginning of my fascination with history. The book that stands out most firmly in my memory was the story on the origins of Smokey the Bear. A compassionate child, I was horrified to think of that poor little cub clinging to that burnt tree, his parents dead or lost in the horrifying blaze. Thus opened a vista through which I could see and hear and feel through a story.

Library day was my favorite day of the week - A tryst with the dearest love of my heart. I would slip between the bookcases and peruse the shelves, running my fingers indiscriminately along the spines of books old and young, tattered or shining, at my age level or well beyond. A title, a picture, a texture – something would catch my eye and my curiosity would not be satisfied until I could feel that book in my hands and smuggle it home with me. I would then read it from cover to cover whenever and wherever I could steal a moment to admire the pictures or taste the words upon my lips. I read Babar the Elephant, Where the Wild Things Are, Nancy Drews, Beatrix Potter, Grimm’s Fairy Tales, Hans Christian Anderson, The Red Fairy Book, the Blue one… I loved picture books for the art and the way words were matched to the page and stacked to create fun or suspense, but equally loved the more complicated plots of stories written long ago.

I don’t know when I crossed over from children’s literature to Juvenile Fiction. It was like I’d tentatively kissed a storybook and felt its gentle caress and never looked back, plunged deeply into a physical connection from which I could not easily disentangle myself. I felt and experienced, tasted, touched, dreamed and longed for more. I had no idea I was developing a vocabulary advanced for my years, learning history and plot and character development. I read because I must read; I read because I loved the worlds and lives that I could explore. I grew to love words and characters like people, and the stories became at times more real to me than the mundane round of home and school.

There was a certain influence in the form of my need to escape. Childhood was difficult. Unhappy in her marriage, my mother set aside her textbooks and became lost to me in her affair with Harlequin Romances. My father graduated college with a degree in social work or counseling, but never put it or books to use again. His desires developed toward copious amounts of alcohol. Fellow students mocked my snooty use of big words to the point that I retreated further into the books for solace. The characters might surprise me or the plot may take an uncertain turn, but always things resolved themselves in one way or another. My dearest love seldom let me down and never deserted me.

 Here in the library I found my guidance, my hold on life – I read The Secret Garden (My second grade teacher told me that it had been her favorite as a child, and I always respected the thoughts and opinions of my teachers, who seemed the only people who understood the importance of words and ideas.) One valuable lesson my father taught me was that movies could have meanings – themes – He asked us after taking us to see The NeverEnding Story what the movie had meant, and when we couldn’t come up with an answer, he said that it was that we must never give up or lose hope. I clung to that idea, and I took it further into the world of my books – what did each of them mean? What was the lesson to be learned here, and how could I use it to face the other world, the reality, that I must live in? So I read The Secret Garden, and I decided that I must always try to banish my fears and failures, worries and losses with positive thoughts and actions. I read A Little Princess because I’d liked The Secret Garden so much, and this new line of thinking led me farther into the books instead of out of them. The  idea that Sara Crewe could imagine herself a princess no matter how difficult or ugly her world became, an idealized version of a princess, of the sort that was always kind, polite, and generous toward others – and that she could imagine this hard enough to make it a reality! I pretended for a good two years after that. My inner life became more and more real to me. There I was protected; brave and strong and no one could hurt me.

By third grade, my teacher was telling my mother at conferences: “Heather lives in a world all her own – I wish I could go there sometimes, because it seems like such a nice place.” She showed my mother her revolving book rack and told her emphatically, “Heather has read ALL these books! I need to order more so she’s got new people and places to explore when she gets done with her work.” My favorite was Helen Keller’s Teacher. After all, the blind girl who accomplished so much was not nearly as fascinating as the remarkable woman who taught her. Additionally, I admired how Ann Sullivan worked her way out of poverty and near blindness herself. She was a strong woman who stood up to people when it was important to her.

In fourth grade I was reading At The Back of the North Wind, A Wrinkle in Time, Little Women, Lloyd Alexander, and The Complete Sherlock Holmes. I loved Holmes – such a clever, unorthodox man.  Every time I completed a book or series, I felt a sweet melancholy slip over me at the loss. I believe I took Holmes especially hard. I wanted to be his Irene Adler, but it was never meant to be and I mourned his passing. I’d wait a respectful amount of time before the dull emptiness gave wake to such a deep longing that I would find myself among the book stacks again, hungrily reading titles and stealing illicit glances at covers. I read books about Russia, Ireland, the Aids epidemic, biography after biography. If I saw Lawrence of Arabia, I looked up T.E. Lawrence and I read about him. If we read about Amelia Earhart in class, then I’d have to look her up at the library and read more.  I had a growing fixation with the 60’s which began with my mother’s interest in the Kennedys and ended with me reading up on any and every major historical figure I heard of from the time: Dylan and Baez, Warhol, Lenny Bruce, Martin Luther King Jr – oh, and the Beatles. Oh, they were my first loves in the music industry, so in addition to reading every awful tell-all book I could find I naturally knew all their music. I could probably write another entire blog on the 60’s – the music, the movies, the singers, actors, and major events.  I read the books on this time period and many others. Classmates came to me as much as to the Librarian if they needed to find something to read or for a report.

Fifth Grade: I'm spending the night at my friend Toni's house. She and her other friend decide that I need a makeover. They proceed to sit me in a chair and pull out all the brushes, make-up and hairspray they can find. They talk about my features, the volume and texture of my hair, and experiement on me for at least half an hour. When they get distracted, I sneak into Toni's closet. I may not know the word "objectify" at this time, but I resent the feeling that goers along with it, so  when I find Alice Walker's The Color Purple on the floor, I pick it up and read for the rest of the night.

Sixth grade and I was reading my parents’ World Book Encyclopedias. Actually, I'd been looking at the pictures since I was a small child. That year I looked up Greek Mythology, the kings and queens of England, every reference to King Arthur that I could find – one subject would have a list of sub-subjects beneath it, and I would be eagerly turning pages to discover this next treasure, on and on until I had everything read except the rather dry accounts of geography or references to mathematics.  That was the year I read To Kill a Mockingbird, and recognized in the imaginary games Scout and her brother played in the backyard my own childhood gambols with my brother, understood  that she loved books so much that she said learning to read was like learning to breathe – and envied her the calm, steady presence of Atticus Finch.

In the Seventh grade my English teacher was the esteemed Mr. Ceaderholm, a man who always struck me as better suited to the college environment than to a middle school. He treated us like adults and had high expectations for our work.  When I wrote a book report on Susan Cooper’s work, he cornered me and demanded to know why I wasn’t reading The Classics, a smart girl like me. I wasn’t sure why not, though I rather resented the implication that Susan Cooper wasn’t worthy of my time. Still, this was a challenge. I read Dickens and fell in love with Sydney Carlton. I read Jane Austin and the Bronte Sisters.  Oedipus Rex, Plato (Loved Socrates!), Wordsworth, Longfellow, Whitman, and Twain. To this day compassionate, daring and eccentric Jane Eyre is my favorite read. I adored Jane. She reminded me of myself.


In Eighth grade, I read Gone With The Wind in one night.  Strange choice, I'd think, but every year the film came to television in mini-series form and my mother would watch it while I was always sent to bed. My curiosity was aroused. Then I tried experimenting with Stephen King, but the language was shocking at the time and  Christine had me eying antique cars suspiciously for months.
I read my way through high school, read toward my dreams, read toward a better reality, read toward the future. I know plot and character development. Writing comes to me as easily as breathing. To this day find myself vexed when life doesn’t fit this pattern. I pick out conflicts, climaxes – and wait for conclusions that never quite come. My life is a series of chapters, the people I meet flat or round characters as they or I choose them to be, the setting  sometimes less than to be desired. I take everything and decide what the meaning is, and base where I go next upon what those meanings tell me. I know of no other way to live. I have a very hard time relating to people who don’t have any desire to read, who don’t love words and stories with the same passion as I do. Love is an exclusive thing, shared between two people to such an extent that no one else can comprehend what the draw is. I love reading. It excites me, interests me, and seems to know my thoughts as much as to evoke them, putting it all into words across a page – worlds across a page.

“In what earthly way is reading ever anywhere near as good or better than sex?! ” challenged a co-worker.

I smiled. “You can go as fast or as slow as you like, as deeply or emotionally involved as you want, and you don’t have to worry about the pleasure of your partner because the book needs you as much as you need the book, and the two of you share something so profoundly beautiful together than you will feel that connection for the rest of your life. It’s better than sex. It’s love.”

“You’re crazy!” he declared.

Nah.

I’m just a romantic.

 

 

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Idylles of a Storytelling Pre-Teen

When I was about twelve years old, a faded volume of the poetry of Lord Alfred Tennyson fell into my posession. I read it cover to cover, but  Idylles of the King interested me most - that and a stray poem about a woman standing in a garden beside the lilacs, distraught and waiting for someone who never came. Or was it the one about the lilacs that was about the death of his brother? I must look that up, as I haven't read it since I was in the 6th grade.

My favorite thing to do was to share what I was reading with my little sisters, mini-series form, as bedtime stories each night, Thus they heard Lloyd Alexander's entire Prydian series, a western by Zane Grey, The Lord of the Rings, and various stories about The Beatles that are now embarrassing to think upon. The lights were out when I told these stories, because our parents would have kicked me right out of there if they had known to what hours I spun these tales (once in awhile they would catch me at it and this very thing would occur). Besides, I always imagined my sisters could see the story better in the dark. If I could have made a living as a travelling Bard I would have done so, but I was born in a difficult age for professional storytelling.

With Tennyson, I departed from a simple interpretation of the poems and added everything else I'd ever read that I liked, splicing in Malory, Chrétien de Troyes, Stewart,  Mary Sutcliff  and a little T H White. Any story or plotline that I didn't care for (Arthur deliberately having an affair with his half-sister - yuck!), I sent packing. I think this often happens within oral tradition, and The Tales of King Arthur have fallen prey to this selectiveness for centuries. Probably the best thing I ever did for the characters was to model them after a large disfunctional family that I knew of, and to give some of them the personalities of my siblings. After all, I had to bear my audience in mind. If my sisters giggled hysterically at something they found funny, then I milked that bit for all it was worth. If I could move them to tears, so much the better.

Because I did.

And they never forgot it, and a few years ago they made me start writing the stories down. As one sister said, "I keep picking up all these books about King Arthur, thinking to tell the stories to my own kids someday, but I can't find anything like what you told us."

Because there simply isn't.

I doubt anyone else would ever think the material worthy of publication - how many stories about knights and ladies does anyone else care to hear? But they were worth a great deal to us then. And as I attempt to recall and rewrite them, I suppose that they still are. The story as I told it was like Tennyson's in that thete was this great ideal that the king held and tried to create. The tragedy was that he asked more of human beings than they could live up to. The beauty of humanity lies in that they never stop trying.
“Sometimes I’m doing things considered crazy by others, but then my heart giggles. That’s when I know I am doing the right thing.”―Dodinsky
 

Thursday, November 15, 2012

The Book of Learning and Forgetting, by Frank Smith

I love reading books on teaching by creative, daring educators with a liberal bent, and in that sense this was a great book. Written more formally than Teach Like Your Hair's on Fire, it was still a fascinating read. Here are a few thoughts upon the text...


1. Inflammatory Language: Have a Little Respect for the Intelligence of the Reader
     
This book is quite radical in many respects. If I have any objection to the material, it would be
Smith’s use of inflammatory language which certainly will never serve to change
the minds of those who really need to hear what he has to say. When he speaks of
social change and mindless conformity (p 46), he states that individual
relationships between students and teachers has all but disappeared. Not in my classroom, I say! Nor the classrooms of many other teachers I know. Another example of inflammation would be the eugenics example (p 62), which more or less compares educational psychology to the forced sterilization or mass murder
perpetuated by the Nazis in World War II, or when he claims that the induction
of psychology into the classroom eliminated all hope of students learning
values, loyalty, compassion or care (p 590.) In these respects, Smith is insulting certain
sensitive teachers by not giving them enough credit for knowing and reaching
their students. I very much doubt that any teacher is in their position for the
money. It therefore stands to reason that we teach because most of us have a
genuine liking for our students and desire to know and reach them. These types
of examples, though useful as illustrations and in many ways quite apt,
alienate more conservative readers. Having said this, I have to say that my
only other objection to Smith’s writing is that in my case he is preaching to
the choir. His use of inflammatory illustrations is actually quite deliberate.
He wants readers to be outraged at
the Official Theory of Education. He wants
educators to be incensed that proponents of the official theory don’t give them
enough credit for knowing how to teach well. He wants us to be so angry about
these issues that we decide to do
something about them. I might even go so far as to state that those who don’t
understand this point actually deserve to feel a little insulted for their
intellectual capacity. I mean, seriously, who can read about John Watson’s
claim that he could teach children whatever he wanted from birth if he had
enough control over them, and his subsequent career change to advertizing (p.
58) and not find this book vastly entertaining, if not outright amusing at
times?

    2. The Literacy Club
      Like the Freemasons, I know this club exists because I am a member. I know the secret

    handshakes and all the tricks of the trade. I had the great privilege of having
    a mother who was a voracious reader, valued education, and went to college
    while I was in elementary school. We sat at the kitchen table doing our
    homework together. When Mom had to cram for a Biology test, I'm convinced I got
    creative bedtime stories such as “The Positive Little Proton.” I went to school
    already inundated with vocabulary to the point that my classmates teased me for
    sounding “like a robot.” (This was perhaps the beginning of my realization that
    not everyone was in “the club” and perhaps didn’t understand it like I did.)
    My ex husband, on the other hand, was not a member of the club. Given what I now
    know about literacy, I’d say his teachers didn’t realize that he was dyslexic.
    He would see the words and read them, but get mixed up and then forget
    everything he had read. Perhaps even more detrimental to his education was the
    fact that his father did not read, either, and neither parent ever read to him.
    Frustrated and unhappy, deciding school was simply not for him (and by Smith’s definition
    of what schools are I’d say he was right), he dropped out high school.


    Given our
    respective backgrounds, we were both very anxious when our son’s Kindergarten
    teacher informed us that he wasn’t picking up on his reading as well as he
    ought to for his age. Truthfully, we both worried that maybe dyslexia was
    genetic. Additionally, I was angry and afraid because I felt helpless about
    what was happening to my son in school. At home I did everything a mother
    could. Since my children were infants I read to them and around them, and if
    they came to me carrying a book, I dropped everything I was doing and sat down
    and read to them. I read menus to them, and cookbook recipes, and if they asked
    me a question I went to the library and we looked up the answers in a book.
    First grade came, and still my son was not “in the club.” In fact, he was put
    in the other club, Title I reading, and drawn out of the
    classroom for the “extra help” he needed. And do you know why he was placed in Title I? Because he didn’t understand the portion of The Dibles with the nonsense
    words! (Note p. 54 and Ebbinghaus’ laws of forgetting in relation to nonsense
    words) Crushed, I watched as my son struggled and feared he would consider
    himself a non-reader forever because he was being segregated and opened up for
    attacks on his reading ability.
    This is where I feel conflicted about what
    Smith has to say: My son got better. By the end of the year, he had written and
    illustrated his own sixteen paged story about a laboratory mouse, and he won
    first prize in the Young Authors and Illustrators competition. Yes, it is
    possible for kids to get labeled and to feel inferior, but not if it’s handled
    properly. I believe more and more that educators are taking classes where these
    things are discussed and they are doing things about the climate in their
    classroom that encourages collaboration and peer support. I believe it because
    it is what I have been learning in college myself. I'm certain if they're teaching it at a little university like Ferris, they are teaching it elsewhere

      3. Testing and Rote Memorization Lead to Forgetting
        I hate spelling tests. I think they are evil and quite useless. This is not because I myself

      struggle with spelling. Quite the contrary: I was a member of “the spelling
      club.” I seldom missed a word, and I loved
      using the words correctly in a sentence, because I knew I was good with
      spelling words. I also knew, and so did everyone else in the class, who was not good at spelling. Worse, they knew it, too. No amount of spelling
      tests or years in school ever changed the nonspellers to spellers. I never
      understood this, because I knew that spelling was simply an exercise in rote
      memorization. As such, I despise spelling words on principle.
      On the other
      hand, I love vocabulary words. Vocabulary words are powerful and beautiful. However,
      like all powerful things, vocabulary words can be abused. For example, they can
      be turned into spelling words.


      While I was
      teaching reading, spelling tests were a required part of the curriculum and, as
      a mere substitute teacher, it would appear there was nothing I could do about it.
      I mentioned wistfully to the head of the English department that I thought
      spelling tests were pointless exercises in memorization, and received a very
      long lecture on the virtues of proper spelling in a society full of pernicious
      texting in place of real literature. (This seemed a bad time to mention my
      Romeo and Juliet assignment wherein students rewrote the scenes as text message
      conversations that they then preformed and had to translate for me by use of PowerPoint
      presentations. I learned what “BRB” meant, among other things.) When the
      lecture was over, I had the nerve to suggest that there was such a thing as
      spell check. At this rash statement, my colleague became positively apoplectic.
      The main point is that I had no control over the use of spelling tests in that
      classroom. The only control I was given was
      what
      words were to be spelled. Truthfully, I decided to use the vocabulary

      words, and I chose the words from the book we were reading in class. Why did I
      do this? Because this was how I was
      taught, and in desperate times when we are backed against walls, we resort to
      what we learned, and how we learned it. I hated the spelling tests because the
      students who were “good” spellers wouldn’t need to study and the students who
      considered themselves “bad” spellers wouldn’t try to study. I was teaching
      eighth grade, and they had all already decided which “club” they were in. The
      only way in which I redeemed those words was in putting them into a context and
      helping the definitions make sense to the students. I used each week’s words as
      often as possible in conversation, on worksheets, and in notes on the board. I
      gave students extra credit for using the words in casual conversation or
      finding examples of how the words were used in our books, on the news, and by
      their parents. In Frank Smith’s words, I provided a framework within which the
      vocabulary made sense to the students, so that they could remember them (p 33) I
      know teaching methods such as this are not dead, because I learned them from one of my former teachers as
      well. And I did not forget.


      I remember in the fourth grade that two of my
      spelling words were “mallard” and “detergent.” I don’t remember this because
      the spelling test helped me learn the words. I will never forget it because I
      decided that if I was going to have to use every single word correctly in a
      sentence, I should try to make a story out of them. I remember the words
      because my story was about a mallard duck who appeared at the door of a
      detective (another spelling word) one dark and stormy night covered in suds,
      coughed out the word, “Detergent!” and then died there. Thus followed a
      harrowing murder mystery in which pollution was the blame. My teacher was so
      amused by my story that he had me read it to the class, and from then onward I
      was not only a member of the spelling club and the reading club, I was an
      author, and such a talented one that my classmates begged for new stories every
      time we had another spelling test. I agree with Smith that testing should be about
      doing rather than data. I agree that
      we should find what makes our students tick and use that to help them discover
      and use their talents toward learning that is sufficiently meaningful and
      significant for them that they never forget it.

        4. The Official Theory Goes Online


      Ten years ago I’d
      have thought this chapter was ridiculous. Computers replace teachers?! Hogwash!
      Now I see with these Apex classes at Big Rapids High School or in New
      Directions and other alternative school settings that this is exactly what is
      happening. Smith says “There is always more money for equipment than for people
      (p 74),” and sadly he’s right. In fact, some schools are looking to get more of such classes, because they can
      pay a paraprofessional less to monitor them than they would have to pay a
      teacher. Even more tragically, this is the absolute worst demographic of students that they could possibly do this to.
      The kind of students who need to attend alternative schools are the kind of
      students who most need dynamic, creative teaching that inspires them to learn
      for themselves. Giving up and just sitting them in front of computers is
      telling them that they aren’t worth the money and effort of a good teacher,
      reinforcing their exclusion from the learning “club.” I’ve subbed in these
      classrooms and I’ve seen it, and it’s heartbreaking. These classrooms are
      packed with students who, if you get to know them, are phenomenally talented at
      art and music, or mechanics, but there isn’t enough time or money for schools
      to invest in the “enrichment” courses at which they would excel. I hate what I
      see happening in education but have yet to figure out exactly how to fight it.


      Of course, Smith doesn’t just tell us what’s wrong with the system and leave it at that;
      he does make an effort to address how to sally forth into battle against the
      dragons he has demonized at the continued expense of my peace of mind. He says
      that it begins in the classroom. Of course, he contradicts this statement
      earlier in the book when he also states that nothing can be done in the
      classroom because of the “second-hand smoke” of the official learning theory
      polluting our minds and the minds of our students. I want to kick him in the
      kneecaps for this pessimistic, dreary illustration, but I have to agree with it
      on some level because I see it in their faces. I see it in the faces of my
      students as they trudge warily into my classroom and glare at me, waiting to
      see what torture will be inflicted upon them next (p. 59). Education shouldn’t
      be like this, and yet there it is. They are gun-shy from whatever the other
      teachers may have done to them that day, from what their parents may have done
      (or not done) for years, and somehow I have to cut through all that and reach
      them, teach them anyway. And, surprisingly, I do. I don’t do it in the daily,
      perfect way that I strive for, but in fits and bursts of fireworks and
      enthusiasm, I see it happening despite all my faults. Because Smith is exactly
      right when he says that students have an innate desire to learn. We just have
      to give them enough of a chance to see that they can learn. Smith provides a history of how education morphed from
      what was good to what he paints as evil; and yet he doesn’t actually “throw the
      baby out with the bathwater” as his inflammatory illustrations might lead one
      to believe. In the end, he isn’t making any suggestions as to what constitutes
      good teaching that most teachers don’t use already. If nothing else, he leaves
      teachers with the question not of whether or not students are learning so much
      as what they are learning – and how they are learning it. If educators were to
      pay more attention to this, student learning could be taken for granted, and
      the standardized classrooms and testing we could all forget.





      Tuesday, November 13, 2012

      "Meeting a man for coffee is the kiss of death," he told  me.

      "That depends on what you're looking for," I replied, thinking that Death is probably not a very good kisser.

      I'd be perfectly happy simply to speak with someone who has an opinion on Daniel Day Lewis playing Lincoln.

      Or who has read a book recently and would love to discuss it. Discuss it with me. I love talking about literature!



      Sunday, November 11, 2012

      To Richard


      I see you there still

      little vacant winter nest

      stagnant, clinging stubbornly 

      to the crook of that diminutive tree

       
      How did that bird ever fit inside?

      Did she have to squeeze herself flat 

      huddled in that hard, cold minute space 

      Imagining comfort there?

       
      Still you hang on

      empty inside 

      is it worth it

      what you lost in your pride?

       
      Where is the bird who once lived there? 

      Did she outgrow you, stretch her wings and soar? 

      She is flying out farther 

      than you have ever seen before

       
      While still you hang tight 

      dry and spare 

      your empty spaces 

      exposing the emptiness there.

      Friday, November 9, 2012

      It All Began In a Pile of Clothes at the Back of My Van

      Here is a small sample of the opening of my novel.
      The basic synopsis is Crazy Homeless Woman Makes Good.
      The thing is, it can happen so easily, homelessness. One day you're an active member of society - one tragedy, and you're living on the streets and have become invisible.
      The book gets off on a rollingly depressing start, and then really soars in the final chapters.
      I'm an optimist; so sue me.
      And yes, I am aware that I can't afford in real life to include even so much as one single line of Beatles music, but this is my rough draft and I'll damn well quote The Beatles if I feel like it.
      Input is otherwise quite welcome.

      Contents

       

      I.                    This Part is Called: The Downside of Fairy Tales

       

      1.       Five-Cigarette Fairy Tale

      2.       Tell Cinderella She Better Watch Her Back

      3.       Once A Pumpkin, Always a Pumpkin

      4.       The Amazing Adventures of Ruthie On The Lam

      5.       Princes Who Are Not Charming Need Not Apply

      6.       Whatever Happened to Charging in On a White Horse?

      7.       You Call This a Fairy Godmother?

      8.       Illegally Blonde

      9.       Once Upon a Time…

       

      II.                  This Part is Called: When You Wish Upon a Star

       

      10.   Does This Apple Taste Bitter to You?

       

      III.                This Part is Called: And She Lived Happily Ever After (Although Not In the Way She Might Have Expected)


       

       

       

      THIS PART IS CALLED:

      THE DOWNSIDE OF FAIRY TALES

       


       

      Five Cigarette Fairytale

       

      I sat and stared at the round window as my clothes swirled among the suds, concentrating on the white noise of fifty washing machines in an effort to drown out the monotony of my thoughts. Little round window with my own face staring glumly back at me. Brown eyes – bloodshot. Straight hair that was too thin and wispy to be much good for anything – dirty dishwater blonde, my parents used to call it. Round, expressionless face I hardly even recognized anymore. Seriously, if I didn’t know I was staring at my own reflection, I would have thought it was someone else, while most anybody else simply wouldn’t look twice. Just one more nameless face in the city, far from home.

       I was sitting in one of many yellow plastic chairs. The brothers of the chair gaped at me from varying positions along dirty white walls. I wondered where their occupants had gone. Trick-or-Treating, maybe? The Laundromat was empty, save for its lone caretaker, a thin, angry-looking woman with dark roots and high hair who apparently had never been told that smoking was a dirty habit best done outside the establishment. I used to be the kind who didn’t tell people these things myself, so instead I sat in the chair and tried to re-focus on the front of the washing machine. A watched washing machine never boils, I thought absently. God knows you don’t need to stare at yourself a moment longer.

                      I glanced at the woman behind the counter. Was she angry, or just bored out of her skull like me? The harsh lines along her lips were grooved permanently into her face, a matter of fate more than choice, I decided.

                      “My kids are out Trick-or-Treating with their dad,” I announced. ”My son, Stuart- he wanted to be a Ninja Vampire. Can you believe that? I don’t know where he comes up with these things.” I was proud of him, though – proud to have such a quirky kid. “Lucy, she’s a princess. Typical little girl – but she’s sweet – loves animals.” I was talking too much – felt like an idiot, but it seemed like I hadn’t spoken out loud to anyone in two or three days now. Funny, thinking of myself as someone with no one to talk to, coming from such a big family and all.

                      She glanced over at me and flicked her cigarette into a green glass ashtray on the Formica countertop that could have come right out of the living room of my childhood.

                      “I know it’s just Halloween,” I apologized, “but I’ve never been without them on a holiday before.”

                      The woman pressed her cigarette into the tray with such force I thought I’d offended her. She came around the counter and sat in the yellow chair against the wall beside the counter. When she spoke, it was impossible to distinguish the huskiness of years worth of smoke inhalation from the whittled dryness of years worth of harbored grudges. “I thought I’d married fucking Prince Charming or something, but then my ex-husband ran off with a damn waitress.”  I spent the next half hour listening to a harrowing story of betrayal and abuse, drenched in the woman’s bitterness more thoroughly than my clothes in the rinse cycle.  The main theme of her tale was that assholes who leave their wives for waitresses are the worst kind of assholes around, and that their children never get over it. It was a five cigarette fairytale, ending with “He has completely fucked up my poor kids for life.”

                      “That’s awful,” I managed inadequately, “How long ago did he leave you?”

                      I had this habit then of trying to measure the potential length of my pain against the experiences of others.

                      “Thirty years ago,” she said dryly, lighting another cigarette, “The son-of-a-bitch died last year without ever having to pay a cent of child support.”

                      I shoved my clothes from the dryer into my basket, eager to get out of the glare of the chair and its occupant. She stared at me significantly, seeming to expect some sort of response.

                      “That bastard!” I smothered a nervous smirk on my way out the door, swearing to God if he was listening that there was no way in hell I was ever going to be that bitter thirty years down the road.

                      So I can tell you right now, this is not going to be a story about how horrific shit happened to me and I came out of it a stronger, better person. In my family, shit happens to you and then you make a joke out of it and move on. Maybe it’s not psychologically sound, but it’s a hell of a lot more entertaining than the alternative. Besides, psychologically sound is not exactly my style. Instead you get the delightful story of how I handled the situation in a manner characteristic of my family’s dysfunction and fell in love with the real deal despite it all. And it’s no less happy just because I had to kill him off, either. You’ll see.

                     

       

                       

       
       

       

      This Chapter is Called:  Tell Cinderella She Better Watch Her Back

       

      When I was younger, so much younger than today,

      I never needed anybody's help in any way.

      But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,

      Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

       

      Help me if you can, I'm feeling down

      And I do appreciate you being round.

      Help me get my feet back on the ground,

      Won't you please, please help me?

       

      And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,

      My independence seems to vanish in the haze.

      But every now and then I feel so insecure,

      I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

                    

                                                                   ~ Lennon/McCartney

       

      It all began innocently enough. I don’t like to be alone, that’s the bottom line. I was raised in this big family. There was always someone around: My brother bursting into my room to yell something at me about the Russian Revolution; two little sisters pounding on the bathroom door; cognitively impaired older sister tapping on the door telling me, “Don’t worry. I’m your best friend. If you need anything, I’ll be right over there in my room.” All I ever wanted was a moment of privacy, time to be myself, to hear myself think. I used to lock my bedroom door and tell my sisters, “Quiet! I’m trying to ‘find’ myself!’” I didn’t understand exactly what that meant, but it sounded right. I was lost, that’s what it was. I thought I was lost in the constant din of sibling voices – Plain old Ruth, the middle child, lost in the shuffle, invisible to the naked eye whenever my brother announced some new concept to worship or my baby sister threw another tantrum. It was all bullshit, of course. Most of the Ultimate Truths I bought into as a teenager were complete bullshit.

                      I might have been thinking about that the night I was lying in the backseat of my van, under a pile of clothes and garbage bags trying to keep warm, shivering. Everything I ever thought was true was utter and complete crap, and now I’d screwed up so badly I was homeless.  I might not have thought those exact words, but the idea was there, staring me in the face more relentlessly than the threat of hunger. I had more prominent things on the surface of my mind, though – like the police. What if I did manage to fall asleep out here? I was exhausted. There’d be a pounding noise on the window, a stern-faced officer peering in at me. What would he do? At best he’d tell me to drive on. “We don’t allow people to loiter around here. Move on!”

       

                       I remembered when I was seventeen at the women’s shelter, right after my mother left me there. It was dark then, too, when the police came and took the homeless woman away. Originally they’d brought her in from where they found her sleeping on the beach. Now she’d been asleep in the bed next to mine, a disheveled older woman with eyes that had been like bottomless pits when she was awake. At some point during the night, I felt her leaning over me, heard her breathing – and abruptly the lights on and they were there, a man and a woman in uniform, taking her away. I curled under the thin blanket – you know the ones - those ones that feel like felt, and have the fake satin borders around them  - and listened over the pounding of my heart as someone out in the hall whispered something about the woman being a child molester…

       

                      Maybe the police would just find me a better place to sleep. That would be a relief. They’d find some shelter that was open in the middle of the night that would be willing to take me in. I could park my van somewhere around the back. I could get some kind of help.

                      The thought of help made it hard to breathe right. I swallowed ineffectually and squeezed my eyes shut. Hot tears ran into my ears, tickling me. The only warmth I’d come in contact with all day. I cried harder.

                      I started sort of talking to God. It’s a funny thing, how horrible things happen to some people and they get mean and cynical; while those same things happen to other people and they decide to come out of it on a more positive note. I wasn’t sure what the difference was, but in my case I started talking to God - It seemed a damn sight better than just sitting there crying, or talking to myself.  

                      I listened for a moment to the sound of the cars whooshing by out on the streets – the cough of some other homeless person passing by who wasn’t fortunate enough to have a van to sleep in…

      Yup, just me and God. So I said, “Hey, God?” and then I cried so much harder at the sound of my small, weak little voice in the silence of the cold van. “I’m sorry!” I wept, “I didn’t mean it! I know I messed up! Please get me out of this somehow – “I choked on the words shook convulsively under my protective pile.

                       I really needed some sleep. Tomorrow was going to be another long day trying to pull my life back together. I released my hair and grabbed what felt like a long-sleeved t-shirt. I sat up and felt around for the top of the shirt, then struggled to pull it over the sweater I was already wearing. Sure it should have gone under the sweater, but it was dark and I was cold and tired. Besides, it was too cold to take off a layer and try to get it right. I felt around and tried to yank up another piece of clothing. It came up so easily I fell back a little. Feeling the tiny buttons across the soft material, I held it to my face and cried. I scooted back down into my cocoon of clothes and wept into my daughter’s empty little shirt, clutching it in my fists like someone was going to come along and tear this from my hands, too.

                      Silence.

                      Except for my grief, it was still quiet.

                      So quiet that I realized after a moment that I wasn’t crying anymore. I was just lying there hanging onto my hair and the baby’s shirt like an idiot, just listening to nothing.

                      It occurred to me that my hands in my hair, up against my face: That was the closest thing to physical contact with living flesh that I’d felt in two months. .. I wiped my face on the shirt and blew my nose into it, feeling dirty and small for having to do it, but it’s not like there was any Kleenex in the van, or like I could have found it if there was.  Worse, there was no baby to wear the shirt, anyway. I sighed heavily; trying to shed the weight on my soul and stave off more tears, then reached out and pulled at another piece of clothing – jeans. Crap. Those were as cold as the upholstery. I felt around again and came up with what felt like another sweater, only this time I wrapped it around my shoulders and lay down with it. One sleeve was tucked around the shoulder pressed against the back seat, while I pulled the other one across my back and around to my chin. It felt almost like someone was holding me, if I closed my eyes and imagined hard enough.

      And that’s how it started, really – with me homeless, crying under a pile of clothes in my van, parked outside the back of the old abandoned K-mart. Alone. Scared. Freezing. I closed my eyes and sort of pathetically imagined someone holding me. The back of the seat - that’s where he was. I don’t know why I had to go and decide it was a he, but there he was, lying there with me and just holding me, breathing in and out against my back and telling me everything was going to be all right. “Hey,” he said, “Ruthie, don’t cry. It’s going to be just fine. Trust me. You’re not alone, and you’re gonna get out of this, all right? You cry whenever you need to, but don’t you ever give up.” I know it sounds crazy, but it was kind of like talking to God again, only this time he was talking back. Anyway, I just defy you to be raised on Disney movies and then end up homeless and alone and see how you handle it. You come up with something better in the same situation, you let me know.  Not being the Cinderella type, all I could do was imagine this Prince Charming guy existed and kind of liked me. With my fabulous self-esteem, this was the best I could come up with at the time. It was a damn sight less self-indulgent than lying there asking God why he let me get into this situation in the first place.