Winning

Today, now - today I feel like I'm moving around under water.
I have to force myself to do the things I need to do to call myself alive.
Eat.
I only eat when I am hungry.
That's a new one for me.
I tend to eat when I'm feeling anxiety or depression.
Managed to take a shower at three o'clock.
Blow-dried my hair, got dressed.
Light blue cargo pants with a v-neck blue t-shirt and a TARDIS blue cardigan.
My clothes are a collection of Goodwill finds.
We'll call them vintage.
This world needs to recycle more, and so I'm doing my part.
I just wish sometimes that I could have the wardrobe I really want instead of the one i can afford. I imagine having a closet that's a mixture of things worn by Audrey Hepburn, Katherine Hepburn, Janis Joplin, and Marilyn Monroe. I'm build more like the latter two.
I'm going to make myself go downstairs and clean off my car with the parking ticket on the windshield and check under the hood in hopes that it's only blowing cold because I need to refill the anitifreeze.
Otherwise, we're looking at some serious repairs that will cost more money than I have.
I've been invited to a huge January Birthday party at my friend's house.
I'm feeling anti-social.
I don't know that I really want to be alone so much as that I don't necessarily feel I've earned any kind of party for myself.
And yet if I make myself show up and feel isolated in the crowd, I'll know I was wrong about the anti-social feeling.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table debating the pros and cons, trying to ascertain how I'll feel about myself later if I just pass it off and stay indoors tonight.
There are dishes in the sink to do.
There's a cover letter for a teaching position to create.
The car.
A few groceries to buy.
A few.
Must conserve money.
Maybe it's fine. Maybe it's a good idea to have a little downtime this weekend.
I've got a big week ahead.
It's possible that being laid off from the factory is triggering some emotions that cause the PTSD to creep upon me. Fear of homelessness triggers insomnia, nightmares, panic attacks and deep depression. I refuse to follow that pattern, however. They say I will have the symptoms all of my life - that you never get better; you just learn how to cope. And so I'm coping.
I'm coping by going outside and sweeping off my car, looking under the hood, and fixing what I do have control over. I'm coping by not isolating myself and getting out and talking to people. I'm coping by transforming my thinking patterns and rebuilding my life in my own image. My chosen image.
I'm not just coping or surviving, really - I'm winning.