This is my final discourse on the Dalai Lama's Art of Happiness. Having established many types and causes of pain, it is time to talk about what it takes to replace that pain with happiness. This process is not simple and immediate, and I think may take all of my life to adopt. It has taken many years to turn me into the person that I am today, with the reactions that I have to that person. I have to take it a day, a step, a moment at a time, while meantime fighting extreme frustration that things can't change fast enough for me. I get overwhelmed and I want to quit, but this is not an option. I can't "opt out" of my life; I can only keep moving forward, stepping back, then moving forward again.
"...in discussing an approach to bringing about
positive changes within oneself, learning is only the first step. There are
other factors as well: conviction, determination, action, and effort. So the
next step is developing conviction. Learning and education are important
because they help one develop conviction of the need to change and help
increase one's commitment. This conviction to change then develops into
determination. Next, one transforms determination into action --- the strong
determination to change enables one to make a sustained effort to implement the
actual changes. This final factor of effort is crucial (p 220)."
VERY difficult. Feels
great when you pull it off, though. Like when I lost 70 lbs with a conviction
that I needed to take care of myself for a change, instead of waiting for others to come along and do it for me. Like when I rise up out of
the debris of my old life and make my own space in the world. Like me when
I find out I've got PTSD and make a concentrated effort to understand what it
happening to me and to do something about it. Accepting that there are many
changes I have yet to make, set the steps in that direction, and keep on
working on them even when I'm tired and afraid and think that I can't stretch any further.
"To overcome that kind of apathy and generate
commitment and enthusiasm to overcome negative
The sheer weight of a deep depression develops into such a
sluggish apathy that it's hard to get up and do anything at all. It becomes a wall longer and taller than anything else in your life. I think that I'm aware that my depression is not entirely my fault. I
certainly didn't want horrific dreams, anxiety attacks, debilitating fear, and
just enough evidence to cause me to look upon myself with crippling doubt. I
could watch my father slowly killing all that was strong and noble inside of
him, eaten up over the years by despair and self-loathing. I could watch that
and I could see for myself that I'd head down the same trail if I didn't find
some way to fight it. I started writing and painting about it. I took my pain
and I used it to create some beautiful moments that I could share with people.
I rose out of the ashes of that life, fell into the ashes of a similar life, and
eventually gained my footing and blazed forth, fiery wings outstretched. I'm
always fine unless I happen to glance down and wonder with microcosmic
scientific detail just exactly how I was staying aloft. My wings grow clumsy then,
and I fall like a rock.
But hell, I get back up again every time, don't I?
"The Dalai Lama's words rang true, yet as a
psychiatrist, I was acutely aware of how strongly entrenched some negative
behaviors and ways of thinking could become, how difficult it was for some
people to change. Assuming that there were complex psycho-dynamic factors at
play, I had spent countless hours examining and dissecting patients' resistance
to change. Turning this over in my mind, I asked:
"People often want to make positive changes in their
lives, engage in healthier behaviors, and so on. But sometimes there just seems
to be a sort of inertia or resistance...
“It's because we simply become habituated or accustomed to
doing things in certain ways. And then, we become sort of spoiled, doing things
that we like to do, that we are used to doing."
"But how can we overcome that?"
"By using habituation to our advantage. Through
constant familiarity, we can definitely establish new behavior patterns (p
224-5)."
And this really is the entire thing in a nutshell: We are
what we do by habituation. Not a new thought. It originated with Socrates. Did
I ever tell you how much I admired Socrates when I was in high school? He was
quite an amazing teacher.
"Well, you've mentioned the need for a high level of
enthusiasm and determination to transform one's mind, to make positive changes.
Yet at the same time we acknowledge that genuine change occurs slowly and can
take a long time....When change takes place so slowly, it's easy to become
discouraged....How do you deal with that?"
"If I encounter some obstacles or problems, I find it
helpful to stand back and take the long-term view rather than the short-term
view (p 226)."
When I was falling apart before my counselor's eyes, I could
still eventually look up into her eyes and tell her that I just know if I keep
trying and repeating what works best, I will beat this thing. I will do these
coping skills over and over again until they've sunk into the realm of habit. I
will keep replacing all my demons with angels, harsh criticisms to compliments.
I will continue to do the opposite of what this world seems to push me toward,
because I know I can build up enough resistance to overcome it one day. I'm
that strong, I'm that stubborn. That kind of hope is what keeps me going. That,
and hoping for better for my children.
Now this next quote I just like because I'm a teacher at
heart, but certainly also because it's true: "Studies
"While scientists have recently revealed that one's
genetic predisposition clearly plays a role in an individual's characteristic
way of responding to the world, most social scientists and psychologists feel
that a large measure of the way we behave, think, and feel is determined by
learning and conditioning, which comes about as a result of our upbringing and
the social and cultural forces around us. And since it is believed that
behaviors are largely established by conditioning, and reinforced and amplified
by "habituation," this opens up the possibility as the Dalai Lama
contends, of extinguishing harmful or negative conditioning and replacing it
with helpful, life enhancing conditioning (p 230)."
It is so hard for me to change how I react to obstacles; it is such an ingrained habit. I encounter a problem, ignore it and keep on moving until it takes me down. Then once I'm down, I push myself deeper into the sludge by beating myself up for "failure" and immediately thinking that it is all my fault that I've fallen and that only I, weakling that I am, can ever make it right. Alone in this conviction, I continue to sink like a stone, suffocating in fear and desperation, floundering around for someone, anyone, while all the while I'm also pushing myself as far from help as possible. I don't deserve the help. I'm not strong enough, lovable enough, or worth the time and effort it takes to reach out and pull me in. But my survival instinct, thank God, is still stronger than my desire to give up, and I cry out for the attention and the help that I so desperately need. People see me and they care about me, and they pull me back out again. Instead of gratitude, I always feel ashamed that I had to ask, and stand there wondering how long I've got before they see that I wasn't worth the time they put into me. I'm not entirely apathetic in this part of the pattern; I'm fighting for their love and attention all the while I'm not expecting to keep it. And at some point they have to loosen my grip on their wrist and live their own life, hoping that I might go on to live out my own. In their absence, I forget what I was standing there for in the first place. I wander around looking for my sense of purpose again. If I do catch a glimpse of it, I always remember what happened to me the last time, and I trip and fall back down again. Rinse and repeat. I have to keep myself educated, keep myself positive, keep myself trying for a better way to live. I have to hope that one day I'll find my way up and out of this hole I keep digging myself into.
"Making a sustained effort to change external behavior is
not only helpful in overcoming bad habits
Here I reflect upon the coping skills again, the things I have to teach myself to fall back upon rather than waiting shame-faced for someone to rescue me. If I keep on doing what I need to do, if I "fake it till I make it" long enough, will my mind be transformed? Will I one day find that I am not going through the motions of feeling better and hoping that it "takes," but actually be moving in that direction because it's my true course? I used to not have much compassion, for example, but time and experience have slowly taught it to me.
"You should never lose sight of the importance of
having a realistic attitude --- of being very sensitive and respectful to the
concrete reality of your situation as you proceed on the path towards your
ultimate goal. Recognize the difficulties inherent in your path, and the fact
that it may take time an a consistent effort. It's important to make a clear
distinction in your mind between your ideals and the standards by which you
judge your progress (p 232)."
I can't think of anything more important to this process of change and growth than to keep focused on a goal, adjusting to combat the difficulties, and continue the slow walk toward a better way of living. I cannot do this if I continue to judge myself so harshly for not moving faster, or for the need to move at all. I desire perfection; I need to settle for persistence.
"When we conceptually relate to something, we are
capable of looking at one phenomenon from many different angles. And the
capacity to see things from different angles is quite selective; we can focus
on a particular aspect of the phenomenon, and adopt a particular perspective.
This capacity becomes very important when we seek to identify and eliminate
certain negative aspects of ourselves or enhance positive traits. Because of
this capacity to adopt a different perspective, we can isolate parts of
ourselves that we seek to eliminate and do battle with them...
"...When speaking of these negative states of mind, I
should point out that I am referring to what are
Yesterday I got my car stuck at the end of the driveway by my
terrible backing up skills -- not to mention a snowbank -- and Paul and Thea had
to push and dig me out. They were really calm about it. I realized that I felt uneasy about that because I'd
grown so used to being shouted at for my mistakes that I'd expected them both
to be irrationally angry with me.
Sometimes it really hits me in the gut, how distorted my
view of myself is. Possibly the only crazy thing about me.
"The first premise is that all 'deluded' states of
mind, all afflictive emotions and thoughts, are essentially distorted, in that
they are rooted in misconceiving the actual reality of the situation. No matter
how powerful, deep down these negative emotions have no valid foundation. They
are based on ignorance. On the other hand, all the positive emotions or states
of mind, such as love, compassion, insight, and so on have a solid basis. When
the mind is experiences these positive states, there is no distortion. In
addition, these positive factors are grounded in reality. They can be verified
by our own experience. There is a grounding and rootedness in reason and
understanding; this is not the case with afflictive emotions like anger and
hatred. On top of that, all these positive states of mind have the quality that
you can enhance their capacity and increase their potential to a limitless
degree, if you regularly practice them through training and constant
familiarity (p 237)."
In Dialectical Behavioral Theory as well as Cognitive Behavioral Theory, the main portion of our internal conflict is born of a series of distorted thinking patterns that prevent us from dealing with our circumstances rationally. Theoretically, once you've identified which of these thinking patterns your brain defaults to, it will eventually help you to route these distorted thoughts off at the pass. For example, when I lost my job back when I was a nineteen-year-old girl in art college, I looked upon that situation as being A.) All my fault, and B.) Irrevocable. Thinking I'd ruined my one chance at making it as an art student, I quit college and moved in with my boyfriend, whom I married within six months afterward. Why did I do this? Because I didn't realize that I had any other options. It didn't occur to me that I could get financial assistance, or move in with a friend for awhile. And it didn't feel like an option at all to move back in with my alcoholic father and enabling mother, so I moved in with a man I really hardly knew and then married him because it did not occur to me that I could have rode out that situation on my own and taken care of myself. This is an extreme example of one distorted way of thinking, termed "All or Nothing Thinking." It's common among adult children of alcoholics to get stuck in this way of dealing with life because they have been conditioned over a period of time into believing that there is only one right way and only one possible outcome. Thinking like this has run my life for for years, and always ran it in the wrong direction.
It is going to take me a long time to adapt clear, positive thinking; to learn to generate several alternatives and to choose one of them with the confidence that there are still many other choices out there to make if my first instinct doesn't work out.
"Now this brings us to the second premise on which we
base the claim that our negative emotions
"When talking about eliminating negative states of
mind, there is one point that should be born in mind. Within Buddhist practice,
the cultivation of certain specific positive mental qualities such as patience,
tolerance, kindness and so on can act as specific antidotes to negative state
of mind such as anger, hatred, and attachment.
Applying antidotes such as love and compassion can significantly reduce
the degree or influence of the mental and emotional afflictions, but since they
seek to eliminate only certain specifics or individual afflictive emotions, in
some sense they can only be seen only as partial measures. These afflictive
emotions, such as attachment and hatred are ultimately rooted in ignorance ---
misconception of the true nature of reality. therefore, there seems to be a
consensus among all Buddhist traditions that in order to fully overcome all of
these negative tendencies, one must apply the antidotes to ignorance --- the
'Wisdom factor.' this is indispensable. The 'Wisdom factor involves generating
insight into the true nature of reality (p 239)."
Repeatedly my negative emotions block the generation of positive thoughts and actions. All too often I'm sitting at the door of a solution with my arms wrapped over my head for protection as if there is something outside of me that's hurting me rather than me hurting myself from within. As long as I am caught trying to protect myself for evil outside influences, I'm forgetting that I alone allow my emotions to build and explode like they do, and that only I can fix this problem. It is not enough to see self-hatred inside of myself and pull at it like a weed in the garden of my brain. I have to pull it and replant something better in its place.
One coping skill available to me in DBT is referred to as "Wise Mind." In this exercise or meditation, I identify all the negative thoughts that lead to the negative emotions that lead to the negative actions.
Then I step back and consciously work out a list of positive thoughts, emotions, and actions to counterbalance my woefully ineffective coping skills.
Now that I can see both extremes that I am experiencing, I can then sit down and rationally come up with an internal compromise that meets both my emotional and logical needs. This middle ground is what is referred to as "Wise Mind."
It struck me as oversimplified and mostly theoretical the first time I tried it, but with time and practice I find it helps me to regulate my emotions and deal more effectively with my fears.
"We can change the structure and function of the brain
by cultivating new thoughts (p 245)."
"We cannot overcome anger and hatred simply by
suppressing them. We need to actively cultivate the antidotes to hatred:
patience and tolerance. Following the model that we spoke of earlier, in order
for you to be able to successfully cultivate patience and tolerance you need to
generate enthusiasm, a strong desire to seek it. The stronger your enthusiasm,
the greater your ability to withstand the hardships that you encounter in the
process. When you are engaged in the practice of patience and tolerance, in
reality, what is happening is you are engaged in combat with hatred and anger.
Since it is a situation of combat, you seek victory, but you also have to be
prepared for the possibility of losing that battle. So while you are engaged in
combat, you seek victory, but you also have to be prepared for the possibility
of losing that battle. So while you are engaged in combat, you should not lose
sight of the fact that in the process you will confront many problems. You
should have the ability to withstand these hardships. Someone who gains victory
over hatred and anger through such an arduous process is a true hero (p
249)."
Like the hero in one of the fantasy novels of my childhood, I have to beat the anger and rage inside of myself with courage and love. I must not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. I like looking at myself and my life in the terms of a novel. This makes sense to me.
"You can take a strong stand and even take
countermeasures out of a feeling of compassion, or a sense of concern, for the
other, rather than out of anger. One of the reasons why there is a reason to
adopt a very strong countermeasure against someone is that if you let it pass
--- whatever the harm or the crime that is being perpetrated against you ---
then there is a strong danger of that person's habituating in a very negative
way, which, in reality, will cause the individual's own downfall and is very
destructive in the long run for the individual himself or herself. Therefore, a
strong countermeasure is necessary, but with this thought in mind, you can do
it out of compassion and concern for that individual (p 258)."
Of all the suggestions the Dalai Lama makes, this one is perhaps the most difficult to accept: The idea that we
Some people we just want to be angry with; we feel deserves our anger and any other punishment they've got coming to them. Some people hurt us so badly that the mere thought of them hurts us all over again, and searching around in our minds for compassion toward them feels like an exposed nerve in a broken filling that we gingerly find in our jaw with our tongue.
Once we have identified who is hurting us, why they are hurting us, and how we should address our pain, we don't have to hold back in holding that person accountable for their actions. The only thing that has changed is why we are doing it. I don't want revenge on the people who have hurt me. I want something more important: I want for them and for me to change for the better. In this way, I bring something good out of something evil, and I make the world better for my effort.
"It is estimated that in the course of a lifetime at
least one in four Americans will suffer from a debilitating degree of anxiety
or worry severe enough to meet the criteria of a medical diagnosis of an anxiety
disorder. But even those who never suffer from a technological or disabling
state of anxiety will, at one time or another, experience excessive levels of
worry and anxiety that serve no useful purpose and do nothing but undermine
their happiness and interfere with their ability to accomplish their goals.
"The human brain is equipped with an elaborate system
designed to register the emotions of fear and worry. This system serves an
important function --- it mobilizes us to respond to danger by setting in
motion a complex sequence of biochemical and physiological events. The adaptive
side of worry is that it allows us to anticipate danger and take preventative
action. So, some types of fears and a certain amount of worry can be healthy.
However, feelings of fear and anxiety can persist and even escalate in the
absence of an authentic threat, and when these emotions grow out of proportion
to any real danger they become maladaptive. Excessive anxiety and worry can,
like anger and hatred, have devastating effects on the mind and body, becoming
the source of much emotional suffering and even physical illness...on a mental
level, chronic anxiety can impair judgment, increase irritability, and hinder
one's overall effectiveness...in some cases, there may be a strong biological
component. Some people seem to have a
certain neurological vulnerability to experiences states of worry and anxiety.
scientists have recently discovered a gene that is linked to people who are
prone to anxiety and negative thinking. Not all cases of toxic worry are
genetic in origin, however, and there is little doubt that learning and
conditioning play a major role in its etiology.
"But regardless of whether our anxiety is predominately
physical or psychological in origin, the good news is that there is something
we can do about it. In the most severe cases of anxiety, medication can be a
useful part of the treatment... experts in the field of anxiety management
generally feel that a multi-dimensional approach is best. This would include first ruling out
an underlying medical condition as the cause of our anxiety. Working on
improving our physical health through proper diet and exercise can also be
helpful. And, as the Dalai Lama has emphasized, cultivating compassion and
deepening our connection with others can promote good mental hygiene and help
combat anxiety states.
"In searching for practical strategies to overcome
anxiety, however, there is one technique that stands out as particularly
effective: cognitive intervention. This is one of the main methods of the Dalai
Lama to overcome daily worries and anxieties. Applying the same procedure used
with anger and hatred, this technique involves actively challenging the
anxiety-generating thoughts and replacing them with well-reasoned positive
thoughts and attitudes (pp 263-5)."
In a way, this concept is repeated within The Art of Happiness over and over again to the point of overkill: Replace bad with good. And I admit while reading it I found myself wondering if maybe the author repeats
"There are other types of fear based on mental
projection," he continued, "For example, if you have negative
feelings, because of your own mental situation, you may project those feelings
onto another, who then appears as someone negative and hostile. As a result,
you feel fear. That kind of fear, I think, is related to hatred and comes about
as a sort of mental creation. So, in dealing with fear, you need to first use
your faculty of reasoning and try to discover whether there is a valid basis
for your fear or not (p 267)."
"If the situation or problem is such that it can be
remedied, then there is no need to worry about it. Alternatively, if there is
no way out, no solution, no possibility of resolution, then there is also no
point in being worried about it, because you can't do anything about it anyway
(p 268)."
I'm trying to memorize this response to all worries; that I can only do what I can do and disregard the rest.
"Proper motivation can be a sort of protector, shielding
you against these feelings of fear and anxiety. Motivation is so important. In
fact all human action can be seen in terms of movement, and the mover behind
all actions is one's motivation. If you develop a pure and sincere motivation,
if you are motivated by a wish to help on the basis of kindness, compassion,
and respect, then you can carry on any kind of work, in any field, and function
more effectively with less fear or worry, not being afraid of what others think
or whether you ultimately will be successful in reaching your goal. Even if you
fail to achieve your goal, you can feel good about having made an effort. But
with a bad motivation, people can praise you or you can achieve goals, but you
still will not be happy (p 272)."
Instead of focusing on the cold-voiced woman who crisply cut me off by threatening, "For every additional minute you take blabbering on the phone, I will deduct five dollars from the donation I've just offered you," which made me feel shamed and small, I focus on the sweet older woman who gently told me that she is one of the people my organization was founded to assist, and that I was able to offer her resources and encouragement before getting off the phone. People like this kinder woman are the ones I'm doing my job for. I don't need to waste a worry on those who misunderstand my good intentions.
Ultimately I felt best about the call that did not result in a donation than I felt about the one that did result in a donation. And regardless of how I felt, my focus must continue to be on the positive, on my good intentions, and on the facts rather than my fears of what will happen when the person on the other line answers my "hello."
"In the Western psycho-therapeutic tradition, theorists
have related both low and inflated self-confidence to disturbances in people's
self-image and have searched for the roots of these disturbances in people's
early upbringing. Many theorists see poor self-image and inflated self-image as
two sides of the same coin, conceptualizing people's inflated self-image, for
instance, as an unconscious defense against underlying insecurities and
negative feelings about themselves. Psychoanalytically oriented psychotherapists in particular have
formulated elaborate theories of how distortions in self-image can occur. They
explain how the self-image is formed as people internalize feedback from the
environment. They describe how people develop their concepts of who they are by
incorporating explicit and implicit messages about themselves from their
parents and how distortions can occur when early interactions with their
caregivers are neither healthy nor nurturing.
"When disturbances in self-image are severe enough to
cause significant problems in their lives. many
I think this is the essence of The Art of Happiness, the most important point: I have spent years of my life trying to figure out what is wrong with me instead of what is right, what happened to me instead of what to do about it, and reinforcing a lot of negative, unhelpful coping mechanisms that may initially have saved me from the darker parts of my life, but which I simply have to accept are no longer helping me to change and grow. I know my father was an alcoholic, I know my marriage was uneven and reinforced my victim mentality, and I know that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and fit all the descriptors for Borderline Personality Disorder as well. I know and I accept these things, but here's what I do next: I learn how to handle them, how to bend them to my own purpose and growth, and I let go of everything before that. I learn to let go of what happened to me and to start focusing on what I can do about it. The hardest but most important thing to accept is that, although I did not cause or ask for these kinds of challenges in my life, it is still my job, and within my own power, to eliminate their debilitating effects on my life.
"Honesty and self-confidence are closely linked...The
more honest you are, the more open, the less fear you will have, because
there's no anxiety about being exposed or revealed to others...the more honest
you are, the more self-confident you will be...being honest with oneself and
others about what you are or are not capable of doing can counteract that
feeling of lack of self-confidence (pp 280-1)."
Honesty and self-confidence are closely linked. I will teach myself to believe this. I will teach myself and others that if we are open, if we trust and open ourselves up enough, then others will see who we are and respect that. That it takes more strength to be authentic than to attempt to hide our weaknesses. I write the things that happened to me and the things that they have taught me, not just for my own memory, but out of hope that maybe now someone else will step out and open up because they no longer live in fear of who they are or what others will see in them.
"So long as we know and maintain an awareness that we
have this marvelous gift of human intelligence and capability to develop
determination and use it in positive ways, in some sense we have this
underlying mental health. An underlying strength, that comes from realizing we
have this great human potential. This realization can act as a sort of built-in
mechanism that allows us to deal with any difficulty, no matter what situation
we are facing, without losing hope or sinking into self-hatred...Reminding
ourselves of the great qualities we share with all human beings acts to
neutralize the impulse to think we're bad or undeserving (pp 288-9).
Someday I'll be done playing the role of Victim and ready to take on that leading role.
I continue to kick-start my life, get involved in the
community, make new friends, obediently drive back and forth to group therapy,
support group and individual counseling, trying to retrain my brain to follow a
safer path so that the urge to quit never overcomes me.
I plan to do all that it takes to finish the one lousy class
left before I can claim my Master's degree... finish that novel...and that other novel... to finish
anything except myself... just for now, I appreciate my friendships more than
I can express.
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I continue to put myself out there, keep the well stocked
with experiences, and then bleed it all across the screen of my laptop. Can't
keep writing if I don't live a little; can't keep living if I don't keep
writing.
Today I go to work because I have to, write because I need to, and just try to suck up all the happiness I can
possibly lay my hands on while I'm doing it.
This is my year. I can pick this thought up and use it as a key, and feel around
until I finally locate the door it belongs to.
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